SUPERDOOPERHAWTHARRYXHERMIONEFANFIC
by sirpopeglittertits2
Summary: Drug addiction. Sexual assault. Red Lobster. Absolutely nothing is off the table in this (((eventual))) slash fiction. CRACK TREATED SERIOUSLY— also, I haven’t watched a Harry Potter movie since I was outside the age brackets in which i could wipe my own ass. Also NEVER touched the books. So bear with me children.
1. 1

Chapter Juan—Starry Nights, PCP, and Hulk Hogan

Our legendary story starts off in the ghettos of Hogwarts Land, and one glorious evening, when the moon was full and the stars were gleaming, Sir Hairy Potthead the 69th was walkn' to Snape's crib to give him a BJ. But suddenly, Hermione stopped his bitch ass!

"FFS Hairy, YOU WURR 'SPOSED TO MEET ME AT THE STRIP CLUB 3 MOTHER FUCKING HOURS AGO!!" She shouted at him, absolutely PISSED.

Hairy, of course, was high as fuck on PCP, so he lost his SHIT.

"HOLY JESUS IN A PINK GLITTERY SPEEDO POLE DANCING TO BEYONCÉ IN A DUMPSTER IN LAS VEGAS, HERMIONE!!!" He screamed at the top of his fucking lungs. So loud, in fact, Hermione's ears literally started fucking BLEEDING.

She ignored this, though, as Hairy went on.

"HERMIONE, I am a strong, independent WOMYN. I DON'T HAVE TO SUCCUMB TO YOUR DAINTY NEEDS! MY GOD U R BEING SO FUCKING SEXIST RIGHT NOW, HOW CAN YOU EVEN LIVE WITH T YOSELF, I MEAN CAN SOMEONE TELL ME THIS PLEASE OR AM I JUST LEFT TO WONDER IN A STATE OF AWE AND CONFUSION???!!" He screams out like a fucking banshee. Hermione just stood there looking SO FUCKING DONE WITH HIS SHIT.

Suddenly, without any fucking warning, Hairy's junkie ass takes off running straight at the nearest building and fUCKING SMASHES HIS BITCH ASS STRAIGHT THROUGH A GOD DAMN BRICK WALL, WITHOUT EVEN FUCKING FLINCHING. Hell, he didn't even black out or nuthin', he just burst right through like the FUCKING KOOLAID MAN.

Directly after this drug induced- feat, Hairy just stood there staring at Hermione's tits and drooling like a TARD, with brick fragments and drywall shit falling off his shoulders.

"Well fuck me in the ass with a broom and call me Donna..." Hermione said, absolutely SHOOKETH. "Hairy, you need some FUCKING JESUS!"

Hairy, of course, didn't respond, for he was now hallucinating that Hulk Hogan was stripping on a pole to Nicki Minaj's Anaconda right in front of him, and that he was now in the land of OZ.

But his silence said a thousand words, which, of course, PISSED HERMIONE OFF TO NO END.

"Well fine, JUST FUCKING FINE THEN HOLOCAUST, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS!!" Hermione then shouted with pure rage. "YOU CAN JUST SIT HERE AND ROT FOR ALL I CARE, IF YOU NEED MY ASS, I'LL BE IN WENDY'S!!" She finished.

And so, Hermione stomped off toward the nearest Mcdonald's, which-ground shattering plot twist- WAS ACTUALLY THE BUILDING HAIRY BASHED HIMSELF THROUGH, and took a two hour shit while posting to her Tumblr about her drug addicted BFF (obviously fucking Hairy) for her 12 "legit" followers to hear about.

Meanwhile, Hairy was still just standing there like a tard. Since we last saw him (literally 15 fucking seconds ago) , he had since pissed his God damn pants and was now hallucinating that Justin Bieber was trying to fucking moLEST HIM.

Will Hermione ever get more than 12 followers on her feminazi Tumblr account? Will Sir Hairy Potthead the 69th finally go to rehab, quit his many, MANY drug addictions and start acting like a normal person? But most of all, will Hairy and Hermione fall in love and have sooper hawt babies like the clickbait title to this fanfic implies?

You'll probably find out nothing when we return!


	2. Dos

Our story takes place in the year 1628 AD, in a galaxy far, far away. In a spaceship, in fact, one bigger than Donald Trump's big orange ass.

Snoke, the current Supreme Leader of the First Order, was walking away from his quarters, surrounded by guards as he made his way to his glorious chambers (or as 99.97% of the Fandom calls it, the Throne Room).

He was clad only in his weird golden ancient Chinese-esque robe, and he'd just gotten out of the showers...however that works, where he'd ventured to scheme and brood over his plan to take down the Resistance once and for all, to kill that meddling Jedi Rey for her defiance, and most importantly of all, to whack his sad, limp sith dick to the thought of Palpatine, who he'd hoped was looking down at him, proud of his work, in The World Between Worlds.

Unbeknownst to the rest of the Order, Snoke wanted nothing more than to get on all fours and take it from Master Palpatine in all of his holes, praising him for his genius. He had an undying mixture of love, lust, and admiration for the wrinkly white Sith Lord. The Force was okay with it, but he could NOT tell Lord Vader.

His very favorite one of his evil deeds had been the Execution of Order 66, which left the Jedi population depleted and most of their civilization in shambles. He jacked off to it every night in the hopes that some of Palpatine's diabolicalness would somehow enter him in that way, giving him but a sliver of his greatness. If he had his way, he'd be taking it from Daddy Palps all day, every day, letting the Sith Lord bend him over, tear off his golden robe and...

Holy shit, where was this fic headed again?

Ah, yes. The Supreme Leader and his guards made it to the entrance of his chambers.

Snoke threw open its large, heavy doors with the force, letting them hit the walls a lot harder than they needed to.

He gallantly strode to his throne, walking as dramatically and evilly as he could possibly walk.

He froze in his tracks as his eyes hit his throne.

"Oh, _Supreme Leader_," purred General Hux from where he sat, in the throne...and, coincidentally, in Kylo Ren's lap. "I'm afraid I've disobeyed your orders once more. I suppose this unacceptable insubordination calls for _immediate punishment_..." he spoke lowly, grinding against the tall man's lap, caressing his masked face.

Kylo Ren whipped off his mask then, oblivious to their now absolutely horrified Supreme Leader, who almost got hit square in the head by the thing. The guards appeared unaffected, having less expression on their faces than fucking drywall. No doubt, they were probably screaming inside.

"Oh, my disobedient apprentice," Kylo growled, his fingers on one hand tangling into Hux's short, gingery hair. "You have _no idea_."

Then, to Snoke's complete and utter horror, he _kissed_ him.

And not the way you accidentally kiss your grandma on the mouth when she's aiming for your cheek at the end of Sunday dinner.

_No_.

This was the '_I'm gonna fucking suck out your soul and all of your vital organs in a single gul_p' type of kissing.

It was only when Kylo had his hand inside of General Hux's pants that the Supreme Leader threw up, straight on the floor, alerting the two of his presence.

The two men sprang away from each other as if they'd been burned, not very successfully, I may add. Hux fell straight on his ass, sliding awkwardly down the slightly inclined grounds around Snoke's throne, his boots making an awful squeal as he tried to keep himself from sliding any further.

Kylo hit his knee on the armrest on the way up, shouting profanities as he bounced on one leg, trying to dull the pain in his other desperately as he held it with two black, gloved hands.

"Oh dear..." Hux announced in the echoey throne room, getting up as fast as he could, brushing off his trench coat. "It seems I must return to my post. The ship is indeed getting close to the resistance!"

He all but ran out of the room, with Kylo hot on his heels. Hux turned to go left down the hall, paused when he noticed Kylo was about to do the same thing, then moved to go right, as if Snoke hadn't just caught them in the act and taking the same route to their respective posts would be that much more catastrophic...

Snoke ordered for his personal custodians to pressure wash his throne, 3 times in a row, before he dared to sit in the damn thing again.

THE END


	3. Treeeeeees

**Chapter 3.—** Chivalry is Overrated and John Cena has Aspergers

————————

It was around noontime that same day when the famed Hermione Gangbanger was walking down the streets in the ghettos of Hogwarts.

Last night, while Hairy was coming down from his high and getting fucking abducted, she had run down to Dildodorf's apartment to have a threeway with him and Ron, who both, to her surprise and oddly enough her delight, both admitted that they had a fetish for rubbing butter and mustard on their nipples and 69'ing with Justin Bieber's "Baby" blaring in the background. When she woke up that morning in DildoDorf's slum, she decided to book it over to Taco Bell before he and Ron woke up and demanded another ass eating session.

ANY-FUCKING-WAY, all of a sudden, while she was taking her usual shortcut through the alley between Hooters and iHop, she tripped and nearly fell on her ass over Hairy Penis, who was blacked the fuck out, had no fucking pants, was wearing nothing but a pink leather jacket, and looked rougher than a badger's arse (yes, I know, I used this line before...I'm not running out of ideas I JUST STARTED OUT WITH NO IDEAS). Regardless, Hermione was FURIOUS.

"...oh my fucking gOD HAIRY!!!" She yelled, kicking him in the bare leg with her dirty ass stripper boots, which almost IMMEDIATELY woke him up.

"Why are you always fucking doing shit like this, first you get fucked up on PCP and now WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS?!?" She screamed, making a complete and total SCENE. Hairy, on the other hand, was looking around FRANTICALLY, trying to get his bearings after the horrors of the previous night.

"WHY DO I ALWAYS WALK IN ON YOUR BITCH ASS DOING THIS FUCKED UP SHIT?! THIS IS SICKENING!!!" She ranted on, waving her arms around her for emphasis. Hairy stared at the hickeys on his arms and neck in a state of absolute HORROR, while bits and pieces of that morning were cumming to him slowly. Regardless of Hairy's crisis, Hermione just went fucking ON.

"I MEAN SERIOUSLY!! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DEAL, I MEAN YOU STAY UP FOR 69 HOURS STRAIGHT, DO DRUGS, FUCK STRANGE HOMELESS MEN, I MEAN HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FUCKING THINK THAT-" It was around this point that Hairy pulled himself out of his heroin induced daze and had absolutely ENOUGH OF HERMIONE'S HORSE SHIT.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WOMAN!!!" Hairy shouted in Hermione's face out of nowhere, shocking the hell outta the bitch. "I have just been fucked SIDEWAYS by some hippie queer in this god forsaken FUCKING ALLEYWAY. Before that shit, I woke up with my head in a fucking cum-crusted toilet in a graffiti covered bathroom in the ass end of FUCKING SUBWAY...AND-..." Hairy was about to keep ranting about his shitty life when he realized something. Could it be his undying love for Hermione Gangbanger like the clickbait title to this fic entails?

"You know what? Fuck your bitchy lecture on all of the shit I've been through over the last 56 fucking hours, I NEED MYSELF A FUCKING CRUNCH WRAP!" He screamed at Hermione. Without warning, he sprung up from his spot in the alley, and started off toward the nearest fucking Taco Bell.

"Hairy, Jesus Christ, FUCKING WAIT 10 SECONDS FOR FUCKS SAKE, THIS ISN'T OVER! HAIRY!!!" She shouted after him. He didn't turn around for shit.

"Oh god FUCKING DAMN IT." She stated, before running down the alley to catch up with his ass...

_FFS, just consider this as a really, REALLY shitty intermission in the middle of a really shitty chapter._

_I JUST HAD NO IDEAS AS TO WHAT SHOULD TAKE PLACE BETWEEN THESE TWO FUCKERS LEAVING THE ALLEY AND GETTING TO COCKO-BELL._


	4. Quatro

**Chapter 4.—** Crunch Wraps, Sodomy, and Paula Deen...

Not long after, a few minutes and some senseless arguments with Hermione later, Hairy sat degenerately at the shitty plastic table in Taco Bell, eating a huge ass crunch wrap and washing that shit down with a code red Mountain Dew. Keep in mind, this dipshit still had NO FUCKING PANTS ON WHILE HE WAS THERE. Hermione herself had bought herself a Triple Taco Combo and a Diet Cock and was furiously typing away on a shitty feminazi text post for her Tumblr page.

To top this whole shitty scene off, the place was running low as fuck on other empty tables, so the two were forced to sit next to some old dude who looked like Santa Clause who was wearing a stained red Santa suit and was staring STRAIGHT at Hermione with a massive hard on, an old bald dude with a Hulk Hogan mustache beating himself off FURIOUSLY under the table, and some bald Tumblrina lady with 30 piercings in her head ALONE furiously typing away in a huge ass argument on Tumblr.

Unknowingly, she was ACTUALLY arguing along side Hermione from across the table. Amidst the whole group, another homeless Iranian kid was hiding under the table, periodically licking people's toes.

"So..." Hairy started, trying to make awkward small talk with Hermione, and probably trying to ignore the fact that the old dude sitting next to him had fucking bust all over the underside of their fucking table. "How's your buddy Ron doing?"

Hermione then abruptly shut her phone off and triumphantly slammed it screen first, flat on the shitty plastic table. She just caused some poor fucker who didn't believe in 300 different genders to slit their wrists. Another day, another dead 'cis male scum'.

"Ron's kind of a punk BITCH." She said, taking a sip of her shitty soda. "We totally had a threesome with DildoDorf last night and he wouldn't even let me peg him with this brand new pink, glittery strap on that I got SPECIFICALLY for his ginger bitch ass!!Fucking nerve of him..." she ranted.

"That's disgraceful!!" Hairy said, when in reality he was kinda freaked the fuck out that Hermione was fucking Ron in the first place. Wasn't that ginger fuckass, like, the closest thing she had to a brother?

Hairy was about to say something else when some shit supposedly started going down in the fucking cesspool of a Taco Bell kitchen.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!!!" Someone from behind the kitchen door shouted abruptly. Next thing everyone there knew, some fat lady with lice filled dreadlocks was abruptly FLUNG RIGHT ON HER ASS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AT THE TABLES. "I CANNOT FUCKIN' BELIEVE YOU SUCKED OFF MAH BROTHER!!!"

This random outburst then pissed of Hermione to NO FUCKING END.

"OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!" She shouted abruptly before throwing her Diet Coke in the face of the old dude sitting next to Hairy, who was still FURIOUSLY beating himself off! "CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NORMAL GOD DAMN DAY IN THIS SORRY EXCUSE OF A HOGWARTS KNOCK OFF??!!" That's when our low budget and underrated hero HAIRY PENIS steps in.

"Now Hermione, lets just look at the technical side..." he said, trying to talk her down before she went off on yet another psychotic episode.

"The people in this universe obviously have a lot of issues with drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of other atrocities that I probably can't say out loud in a public place like this. We just have to respect their issues, issues that would make children cry and old people shit their last Pamper, and hope and pray that things turn around on their own..." Hairy dramatically ranted, while taking a drag from his blunt...wait, where the actual living FUCK did he get that??? I thought Mrs. SugarTits stole all of his shit when he left Hairy for dead.

ANYWAY, it was around THAT part of Hairy's rant when the two thots from earlier started arguing...screaming, actually, over delicate matters such as incest, infected nipple piercings, and over who made more on selling crack and meth than the other.

"Hell, maybe the two of us should actually take pity on these people instead of looking down on them and-" Hairy paused abruptly, probably because one of the thots had managed to smash the other's face into a fucking bare brick WALL and was screaming loud enough for anyone in a 666 mile RADIUS to hear. Regardless, Hairy tried to continue.

"In fact, I think that maybe, every once in a while we should give back to these people, buy them a hot meal, some coffee, maybe even talk to them, anything we can do to make an impact- JESUS CHRIST WILL YOU JUST FUCKING SHUT UP??!?!?!?" Hairy furiously shouted at the two who were still fucking SCREAMING like banshees and were kicking the bullshit out of each other.

After a moment of Hairy staring at the wall while shaking psychotically and awkward silence between the two, which was being filled with grunts from the dude next to Hairy️, who was still getting off to ALL OF THIS, Hermione finally spoke up.

"Fuck it. Let's blow this whore house!!" She said, grabbing her phone and stuffing into her bra and practically tearing Hairy out of his seat.

They both ran out of the place like the world was on FIRE.

_My god, what kind of atrocity have I created..._

_Take a shot every time I wrote Hairy Penis and the phrase "FURIOUSLY beating himself off", I guarantee you'll die of alcohol poisoning..._


	5. Fiveeeeeeewe

Chapter 5.— Time is a Social Construct and Miley Cyrus is my Dad

Welcome back motherfuckers!!

If you read through this whole monstrosity all the way up to this chapter... WELL THEN GOD HELP YOU, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?!

Now, brace yourselves kiddies, this is a long one...

Ah yes, where were we?

Not long after Hermione GangBanger dragged Hairy Penis's ass out of Taco Bell, after like 8 minutes of aimless running and almost getting hit by 3 fucking semi trucks, our dynamic duo found themselves in the middle of BUTTFUCK NOWHERE.

"Jesus jerking off while he watches Mary suck off Joseph while rubbing onion powder on her tits, Hermione..." Hairy said after he'd caught his breath from running so fucking long. "WHERE IN THE ACTUAL LIVING FUCK ARE WE?!??????" He wailed.

By now, they were walking out in the middle of a dark, sketchy ass forest. Unlike most fantasy world-clichés, there were no singing birbs, no stupid ass talking animals, and Shrek (sadly) was nowhere in sight. The huge branches above them practically blocked out the sun, it was fucking FREEZING, HAIRY WAS STILL FUCKING PANT-LESS, and they'd passed at LEAST 8 people hanging on nooses by the time this next scene had started.

Don't think too hard on how they got to a shitty place like this from some ghetto ass version of Hogwarts, or how Hogwarts would even HAVE a ghetto in this universe, but the fact is pretty simple—

THESE ASSHOLES WERE LOST.

"It beats the flying FUCK out of me where we are Hairy! I just felt like getting out of that cesspool and FUCKING OFF." She said as they passed 3 or 4 more hanging people, and thankfully NOT pulling a Logan Paul and putting their dead asses on YouTube.

"Holy shit, I'm sweating LIKE A DAMN WHORE IN CHURCH UP IN THIS BITCH!!" She yelled into the vacant forest around her and then very abruptly ripping her "Time's Up For Cis Male Scum" T- Shirt and throwing it in a random direction.

"I mean, we REALLY couldn't just let those horrible, xenophobic, transphobic, white trash hippie queers just fucking DO THAT SHIT IN OUR PRESENCE. It was just not right, gurl..." she said, while Hairy stared at her bare fucking tits, wishing he'd had a few hits of PCP right about now. Ignoring this, Hermione ranted on.

"The amount of misogyny in that wretched establishment was making me sick to my stomach, I mean COME THE FUCK ON. What else could we have done..." and that was when Hairy shook himself from his tittie based daze and piped up.

"I guess I kind of owe your bitch ass one for getting us out before the creepy old dude sitting next to me could bust a third load on the underside of the table." He said simply.

It was around this time when our heroic, misguided...downright fucking DEMENTED pair came across the first signs of human life (living humans, anyway...) in the dark, equally as fucked up forest.

On the side of the path, there was a small, eye burningly-bright green tent that kind of looked like something a hobo in Detroit would sleep in.

At that moment, some girl unzipped the thing upon hearing the two passing by, trying to pull herself out of the tent, only to be repeatedly pulled back by some old dude with a full-on lumberjack beard, who was literally built like a fucking POTATO.

"Oh for the love of fuck someone please help me- SCOTTY!!" She shouted at the two, who had since stopped in their tracks on the path. Hermione looked virtually unaffected by the abrupt screaming and odd course of events that now unfolded before both of their eyes, while Hairy just straight up looked ready to run for the damn hills.

The random girl furiously kicked back at whoever the fuck was in there with her. "SCOTTY, FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, WE ARE COUSINS, STOP TRYING TO PRACTICE YOUR SICK TWISTED BONDAGE FANTASIES ON- AHH MOTHER FUCK!!!" Her tirade about "Scotty's" horrific fetishes was cut short, when a brawny, hairy ass hand was thrown over her whole fucking face and she was abruptly pulled back.

"GOD DAMN IT SCOTTY YOU KICKED ME IN THE DAMN PUSSY!! MY GOD WILL YOU TWO HIPPIE QUEERS DO SOMETHING FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!!!?!!" She screamed frantically, as the tent started to zip the fuck back up, supposedly by Scotty. That was when Hairy finally piped up.

"Um... girl, should we do something...?" He asked, obviously kinda fuckin' scared he'd get pulled in himself.

"Ah tits, I always hate family arguments..." Hermione said obliviously to the two in the tent, grabbing Hairy's arm and starting to walk away with him. "You two kiddos make up soon! Can't let silly things like disagreements ruin a lovely family trip like this now can you?" She said, ignoring the screams from the girl in the tent. Hairy stared back at them, absolutely HORRIFIED.

"OH YEAH RONALD MCDONALD, I'M GONNA ROCK YOUR WORLD!!!" Scotty shouted psychotically, from behind, as Hermione was now practically dragging Hairy down the path by his shoulder.

And so, these two shit lickers walked, sweated, and had 4 mental break downs across another 3 miles worth of bullshit woodlands, until finally, FUCKING FINALLY, they made it to some ghetto ass hood, cut through some back alleys, and fucking SOMEHOW made it to Hermione's shitty apartment complex.

For the sake of a good story, we're all just going to assume that Hairy legitimately has no fucking home, or apartment, or even a fucking SHED, so he just sleeps wherever the fuck he can (which are very often chain restaurant bathrooms and half full dumpsters outside of the local abortion clinic), which in this case might end up being Hermione's slum of a home.

"Well, I guess I do have to thank you, for the second fucking time today, SURPRISINGLY..." Hairy stated as the two of them walked up to said apartment complex. "In retrospect, if you hadn't offered, I probably would have spent the night in a dark alley with another rapey, shit covered hobo." He finished, giving Hermione a wry smile.Hermione waved it off.

"Yeah, whatever..." she started as they entered the building. Out of all the triple-decker houses, cheap ass sheds, and old ass apartment buildings, this building was probably the least ominous looking one Hairy had seen in the ghettos that he lived in. "Just as long as you flush the damn toilet while you're here, and don't even THINK of jerking off in my shower. Enough atrocities have already happened in there, trust me girl..."

For the sake of a half-decent, accurate story YET AGAIN, we're just going to assume that both Hairy and Hermione were both evicted from the Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, AND Hufflepuff houses on the actual Hogwarts Campus️ because they couldn't pay the rent and were considered poor orphaned peasants by the whole school.

So, alternatively, they were exiled to the ghetto, where they stayed as long as their shitty Hogwarts scholarships would allow them to study wizardry (or whatever the fuck they're after), fighting slumlords and defiant hobos for a place to sleep and having altercations with the ghetto street folk.

GETTING BACK TO THE FUCKING STORY YOU'RE ALL HERE FOR (or not, I wouldn't blame you if you just skipped this shit);

The pair probably hiked their asses up at least 9 flights of stairs since the damn elevators were broken. As they approached Hermione's apartment, they noticed a lady wearing nothing but a tank top and short shorts pacing out side of her door. She looked like she was on both cocaine and heroin simultaneously, and was shaking like a god damned human VIBRATOR.

Hermione then leaned in closer to Hairy. "Alright..." She started, murmuring in Hairy's ear. "Before we go into my apartment, this is going to be really weird at first, and then it's going to be okay..." she finished as they walked up.

"...What?" Hairy said, confused, before a shrill voice called out to them.

"HENNESSY!!!!" Crack Lady squealed. "HENNESSY, YOU ASSHOLE, YOU LOCKED ME THE FUCK OUT YOU BITCH, I PAID MY RENT FAIR AND SQUARE NOW LET ME THE FUCK IN!!!!" She ranted, swaying from side to side, obviously struggling to stay on her feet.

"Last time I fucking checked, our government didn't accept USED FUCKING CONDOMS AS REASONABLE CURRENCY, DEBRA!!!" Hermione screamed at her, absolutely INCENSED. "AND FOR THE LAST SHITLICKING TIME, MY NAME AIN'T HENNESSY!!!" Hermione said, digging a full key chain out of the worn UC Berkeley sweatshirt that she picked up at some grungy thrift store that the pair stopped at before going to the apartment complex. While they were there, Hairy also finally (FUCKING MERCIFULLY) got himself a pair of black jeans and shit.

ANY FUCKING WAY, ignoring the fact that Debra was still staring at her with cracked out eyes, Hermione picked out her apartment key and jammed it into the lock.

"MOTHER FUCK, HENNESSY, YOUR LAZY ASS IS NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!!" Debra said, before trying to fuCKING GRAB HERMIONE BY THE SHOULDER AS SHE WAS UNLOCKING THE DOOR. Hairy looked on in HORROR, praying to Satan that the apartment door would just fucking open.

"GET OFF ME YOU SKELETOR LOOKIN' ASS BITCH!!!" Hermione shouted as Debra tried to pull her away from the door, making unlocking it progressively harder. "NOT 'TILL I GET MY MY MONEY BACK YOU WHORE!!" Debra yelled back.

Finally, the fucking door opened. Hermione furiously kicked it in while doing her best to fend off Crack Lady.

"RUN THE FUCK IN YOU WHISKEY DICK!!!" Hermione shouted at Hairy, who looked absolutely shook, as soon as she got a good grip on Crack Lady's bony ass hands.

Hairy then ran in, with Hermione, who'd since thrashed Crack Lady against the fucking wall outside as soon as she had her chance. As soon as she got in, Hermione slammed the SHIT out of the door behind her, locking all three deadbolt locks before Crack Lady could recover. Hairy backed away from it, immediately bumping into some hipster designed marble coffee table, staring at the door in terror.

"YOU COCK LICKING, CUM GARGLING BITCH!!!" Crack Lady screamed at the top of her lungs while banging on the door furiously. "YOU AUGHTTA LET ME THE FUCK IN OR I'M GONNA CALL MY BABY DADDY ON YOU!!!"

"Oh fucking REALLY..." Hermione yelled back through the door, having absolutely e-fucking-NOUGH of Crack Lady's shit. "What's that washed up old pill popper gonna do, STAB ME TO DEATH WITH HIS BONG??"

And so, as the pair continued bickering through the obscenely heavily locked door, Hairy took it as a hint to let himself in. Taking a better look at the place, it was kind of hard to tell that the 'slum' Hermione had been ranting about was located in a town so deep into gang rivalries and drug busts that it easily rivaled Detroit in a downward spiral of financial ruin.

The place had a black leather couch that surprisingly DIDN'T smell like gasoline and mildew, it looked like a gay guy who was obsessed with Target threw up in there, and the windows actually weren't full of bullet holes.

As much as he'd wanted to take his own self guided house tour of Hermione's slum, Hairy felt like an actual bag of human garbage after being raped by Mrs. SugarTits at the ass crack of dawn, eating Taco Bell crunch wraps that may or may not have been used as cum rags, and walking 3 miles through the dark ass forest. So, his down trodden, traumatized ass searched for the bathroom to take a shower for the first time in 2 weeks.

"NO, JUST FUCKING NO, DEBRA!! AT LEAST I'M NOT THE ONE IN THIS FUCKED UP ROOMMATE-TENANT RELATIONSHIP THAT LITERALLY SOLD THEIR 8 MONTH OLD SON FOR 20 GRAMS OF COKE AND A WALGREENS CLUB CARD!!!" Hairy heard from Hermione as he degenerately walked to her bathroom.

He quickly ripped off his thrift shop clothes and jumped in the shower, turning the water as hot as it could go. Sitting at the bottom of it with his knees drawn up against his chest, Hairy tried not to think of anything, because God knows how that went the last time.

His mind betrayed him, though, and traced back to the horrifying events of the previous night.

And, somewhere in the atrocious mix, his thoughts even strayed back to Hermione...

After everything she's seen from him, Hairy wonders why she's still letting him stay the night.

Again, I have absolutely no idea what to give for a segue, so I'm just going to cut to the next chapter.

AND grab a glass of bourbon while I do so...


	6. 666

Chapter 666 — Every Day We Stray Further From God's Light

WELCOME FUCKING BACK.

I don't know what else to say as an intro, so let's just cut to the damn chapter, shall we? (Technically it's the second half of the previous chapter, but who the fuck is keeping track??)

"So, Hermione, I stopped hearing you bickering with Crack Lady 10 minutes into my shower..." Hairy started tentatively from the couch fold out he'd been unceremoniously given by Hermione a couple minutes prior. "I'm almost afraid to ask..."

"GOOD INSTINCT, HAIRY. Just go with that!" Hermione stated, throwing herself down on the leather couch opposite to said fold out in the living room with a glass of red wine.

"Well Jesus H dicks..." Hairy said, then laying down on the fold out, pulling the cheap, but surprisingly soft Walmart brand throw blankets up to his shoulders. He stared at the ceiling for a few moments before saying anything else.

"Hermione..?" Hairy asked quietly. Hermione took a huge ass gulp from her wine glass and gave a dramatic mouth pop before answering.

"Yes Queen?..."

"...do you think we'll every get out of this hell?" Hairy questioned, still blankly staring up at the ceiling. A moment of companionable silence passed between the two.

"Well, look around us Hairy," Hermione started, gesturing to everything in the small apartment with her hand for emphasis. "As luck would fuck me right now, I live in the ass end of the fucking ghetto, unable to afford decent housing on the campus of the shitty, under budget, downright PATHETIC school full of snobby ass kids that I attend without any other GOD DAMN CHOICE..." She ranted, sitting up a bit from her spot on the couch and setting her wine glass on the coffee table.

"I come home to a frail, skinny ass crack-bat banging on my door demanding a place to do coke and fuck dirty ass prostitutes every god damn night, I admin a meme page on Facebook and a feminist page on Tumblr, I get most of my clothes from the donation boxes lined up on every street corner, I only have food thanks to welfare, Hell, I practically LIVE on Taco Bell and Wendy's, I can't remember the last time I bought toilet paper or even A BOTTLE OF FUCKING WATER FOR THAT MATTER, MY PARENTS GAVE THE FUCK UP ON ME AFTER I GREW OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE TITS, I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DAMN CREDIT CARD-..." Hermione stopped herself as soon as she realized she was shouting the last 3 things at the top of her lungs, putting herself at risk of waking up her heroin addicted neighbors. By now, Hairy had sat up to look at her sympathetically.

"Not to jinx myself or anything, but I don't think it gets much worse than this..." Hermione said defeatedly, while pinching the bridge of her nose and squeezing her eyes shut. "I can't really imagine that your life is going much better..."

Another moment of semi-awkward silence.

Then, Hairy spoke up.

"Do you believe in the laws of karma?" Hermione looked up at him for a moment but didn't respond, so Hairy continued.

"Simple Eastern philosophy- there are some weird hippies around here that believe in it... It's the belief that your actions in the present have the potential to majorly affect your life in the future-,"

"I know what karma is Hairy..." Hermione interrupted. By now she'd looked up as he'd started to ramble.

"Let's face the facts. I can be kind of a dick sometimes..." Hairy went on, his gaze fixed on the floor. "Taking an occasional hit of PCP, getting a bit drunker on weekends than I should, stealing shit from the half decent kids at Hogwarts, cheating through shit to get by...

But this. All of this. Everything from the last week or so..." Hairy trailed off, slowly looking up, meeting Hermione's intense gaze.

"I don't deserve this..."

Time seemed to stand still as they looked at each other. Any emotions that either had felt in that moment were given away to the other through the intense gaze. For the first time that day, our two heroes seemed content in each other's company.

It was almost peaceful.

"BERTHA YOU FAT FUCKING WHOOOOOORE!!!!!!!" The two flinched as the moment was broken abruptly, courtesy of a REALLY pissed off heroin addict from the floor above them.

"I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH RONNIE! YOU IGNORANT SLUT, YOU KNEW HE HAD HERPES AND YOU STILL DID IT!!! MAN WHAT THE FUCK?!" That last remark was so damn loud, it seemed to make the fucking ground shake. Hairy stared up at the ceiling like it was going to break the fuck down on him.

Hermione then looked down at her cheap thrift store brand watch. It read 11:45pm.

"Its getting kind of late..." Hermione said, getting up to grab another Walmart-brand throw blanket from off of the floor and tossing it on the couch. "Logically, you should get some sleep. Hell, so should I. I'm so damn tired I think I'm starting to hallucinate..." She finished, grabbing her wine glass and finishing off her drink, then proceeding to plop down on the couch and drag the cheap blanket up to her shoulders. Hairy pretty much copied her on his fold out.

"Good-Fucking night, I guess..." Hermione said, laying back on the couch. "Don't let the hookers, whores, and gangbangers bite..." she finished, shutting her eyes after being awake for what felt like 10 days.

"It's a little fucking late for that..." Hairy retorted, starting to drift off, praying that he wouldn't dream of anything from the last 69 hours or so.

Just another day's work in the alternate universe of Ghetto Ass Hogwarts...

Well titties. This chapter was actually kind of fucking deep...

Will our old, semi depressed heroes get out of their financial crisis (crisis'?? crisises?? I don't fucking know) alive? Will Crack Lady, the bane of Hermione's existence get her revenge?

Before that, though, will Hairy ever get a real place to live, or will he end up sleeping behind the town's abortion clinic yet again?

And, lastly but DEFINITELY NOT LEAST, WILL OUR HEROES FINALLY HOOK UP LIKE THE FUCKING CLICKBAIT TITLE ENTAILS??

All of these shitty questions will probably not be answered when we return to this monstrosity!

FIN


	7. Seveeeeeeeeeen

Chapter 7– Morning After Pills.

It was probably about 6 am the next morning when Hairy woke up in Hermione Gangbanger's bitch ass apartment. And it was a beautiful morning too. The sun was out, the strip club across from Hermione's apartment complex had apparently been shot the FUCK UP WHILE THE TWO WERE SLEEPING, AND THE LOUD AS SHIT SIRENS COUPLED WITH THE DISMAYED SHOUTS OF SAID STRIP CLUB'S REGULAR CUSTOMERS HAD JUST RUDELY WOKEN UP HAIRY PENIS IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS FIRST DECENT SLEEP IN 3 DAYS.

And, to top it all the fuck off, the heroin addicts living upstairs were watching GAY FUCKING PORN AT TOP VOLUME, BLARING IT FROM THEIR BOOTLEG APPLE TV. HELL, THAT SHIT WAS SO FUCKING LOUD THAT EVERY GOD DAMN MOAN, GROAN, AND "OH FUCK YEAH STICK IT IN" SEEMED TO SHAKE THE WHOLE GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING BUILDING.

Okay, fucking CORRECTION- It was NOT a beautiful morning.

As soon as he reluctantly opened his eyes, Hairy sat up, rubbing his face, visibly PISSED OFF.

"Mother fucking shit..." he groaned. "What the fuck are these ASSHOLES' PROBLEMS?!" He yelled.

"Apparently some rich white guy with AIDS got quite pissed off after some other bitch named Amethyst with nipple tattoos and a crotchless G-string told him she wasn't interested in some fucked up, twisted Stripper-Client relationship with him that involved shoving Snickers up each others asses and living with some guy named Sven in Russia..." Hermione explained in a HORRIFYINGLY SPECIFIC WAY.

She on the other hand had obviously gotten up way earlier and was sitting by the window on a stool, sipping her coffee, and watching the entire calamity unfold.

"Oh, yeah, big mother FUCKING DEAL..." Hairy said angrily, turning on his cheap fold out couch-bed so that his feet were on the floor. "We all have our own god damn problems in this red hot cum load of a world..."

"And apparently this jerk-off decided to take care of his "problem" with 10 grams of coke and an AR-15..." Hermione finished where Hairy left off.

He looked at her, kind of horrified.

"Oh please, the gunshots woke me up at 4 fucking 30 in the morning, I've practically been following along with this shooting like a Law Order marathon..." she said, figuring out exactly what Hairy'd been thinking. At that moment, she stood up and walked over to her slightly rusted Walmart-brand coffee pot.

They were both quiet for a moment until Hairy piped up again.

"So what's in store for today in Fuck City️; population 750,000 and dwindling?"

"Well, first fucking thing's first, I have to run upstairs to my neighbors' place to snap THEIR FUCKING NECKS..." she said angrily, sparing a quick glance at the ceiling from which an obscenely loud porn video was STILL fucking playing. As Hermione paused to figure out what had to be done that day, a particularly loud 'OHHH FUCK YEAH DANIEL YOU KNOW JUST HOW TO DO IT' RANG THROUGHOUT THE BUILDING.

"I've also got to run down to this cesspool's town hall to make sure my tuition shit for next year is in check... then I gotta run to Red Lobster to find this bitch who owes me money..." she said nonchalantly, while pulling a mug out of her cupboard that said "Bitches and Hoes are like new clothes; once you bought 'em, you wish you never got 'em" in bold pink letters with a navy blue background. "Gurl owes me like, 50 fucking dollars... Big black woman with big tits, you can't miss her..."

"Just as long as we don't run into anymore fat bitches with half-done dreadlocks smacking each other's asses in the middle of Taco Bell..." Hairy deadpanned as Hermione walked toward him, with a now full and doctored-up mug of coffee.

"No promises..." Hermione said, giving Hairy a small smile as she handed Hairy his coffee, before sitting down beside him to finish off the rest of her own.

"Well, let's just pray that MY tuition for next year also happens to be secured..." Hairy stated drearily, closing his eyes as his first sip of coffee of that morning seeped into his soul.

"I've already lost my damn house, all my damn credit cards, and even my damn VIRGINITY at this point..." he said, opening his eyes and meeting Hermione's gaze from a couple feet away from him. "God knows that losing my damn EDUCATION would top it all the fuck off, now wouldn't it?" He finished, before taking another sip of his hot ass coffee, shifting his gaze down to his Cheap Fold-Out️. Hermione gave him a quick look of pity before taking another sip from her coffee.

The two sat in companionable silence for a moment. Miraculously, the obscenities from Hermione's upstair neighbors came to a complete stop, leaving the apartment peacefully quiet.

"I know this is a little strange for ME of all people to ask, and you're obviously far worse off than I am..." Hermione started tentatively. "But, for further reference...is there something, ANYTHING I can do..?" She finished sort of awkwardly, before meeting Hairy's eyes.

Now if Hairy was going to say anything back immediately, it was cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF.

"Uh. Uh. UH. TAKE IT AWAY MARY SUE." A voice that sounded like George Clooney getting his balls squeezed rang from upstairs. The neighbors OBVIOUSLY found a brand new video to binge watch. "YOU LOOK SO HOT IN THOSE GRAY GRANNY PANTIES- OHHH FUCK DADDY!!!!" Hairy closes his eyes in annoyance, cringing slightly as that last UNGODLY quote blared through, practically making the damn COFFEE TABLE SHAKE.

He then opened his eyes again, giving Hermione an earnest look, as the sounds of loud moaning and wet smacking noises fired on in the background.

"You can shoot me now."

TBC, so don't get your granny panties into a twist...


	8. 8

Chapter 8– White Trash and Shiddy Lobster Rolls...

A/N: ...Gurls, I'm going somewhere good with this shit, I fucking SWEAR...

Not long after, a few hours later after the pair had downed their coffee whilst occasionally making small talk (which was quite hard to do over the sound of groaning, moaning, and... A WHOLE BUNCH OF DISGUSTING SHIT I'D RATHER NOT GET INTO...), Hermione GangBanger angrily threw open the doors of a low budget and underrated Red Lobster, with a horrified looking Hairy Penis hopelessly standing behind her.

"ALL-FUCKING-RIGHT!!!!" She screamed at once in the nearly empty and very GRUNGY restaurant. She earned a couple of stares from the cashiers and waiters as she stomped inside. "IT'S BEEN EXACTLY 18 DAYS, 22 HOURS, 7 MINUTES AND 25 SECONDS!! GOD DAMN IT DANIELLA, JUNIOR YEAR'S ABOUT TO START AND I NEED MY DAMN 150 DOLLARS BACK PRONTO!!!!" She shouted, loud enough for anyone back at her apartment complex a mile away could fucking hear.

She waited a second to see if the random waitress in question would pipe up, sighing when the restaurant remained in a state of awkward silence.

"Ah, nunfucker..." she mumbled, probably only loud enough for Hairy to pick up. At that moment, she took off running in the direction of the gross looking, shitstain filled kitchen of the restaurant, flinging its door open in front of her and slamming it promptly.

Hairy, completely fucked SIDEWAYS BY WHAT HE'D JUST WITNESSED just stood a couple of meters in front of the door, confused as to what the unholy FUCK to do after some shit like that.

After another awestruck moment, Hairy walked to the bar area (and if Red Lobster even HAS a damn bar, I have no fucking idea, I just made a shitty assumption for story purposes) and sat down, staring downwards at the table.

"So..." Hairy started, as the bartender walked up to him from behind the counter. "You watch the Cardinals game last night...?" He asked, trying to make awkward small talk while Hermione 'negotiated' with Daniella in the kitchen. After all, Hairy was not about to ditch his batshit crazy companion first thing in the morning and fend off the gangbangers,hookers, and whores singlehandedly without so much as a cardboard fucking BOX to come home to when the day came to it's shitty god damn end.

SO, FOR THE TIME BEING- Hairy merely stayed put and waited for Daniella to get her shit pushed in.

"I'm from Philadelphia you stupid cunt. Now buy something or gET THE FUCK OUTTA MY SIGHT!!!" The bartender, who'd obviously just popped a couple of Adderall retorted FURIOUSLY.

Hairy, shook to the fucking CORE at this point,

just went with it. "I'll just get a fucking Lobster roll..." he mumbled, still looking at the damn counter.

"TOUGH LUCK GLITTER TITS. All our asses got left is lobster-less, dairy-less,water-less, gluten free, kosher, vegan, strawberry flavored lab grown tofu-esque shit that's SUPPOSED to resemble lobster in some odd way but tastes like LITERAL. HUMAN. SHIT." The bartender furiously explained, as Hairy nervously started flipping through the menu.

And with that, Hairy stared down at the menu, biting his lip for another awkward ass moment.

"I'll have the nachos..." Hairy said finally, not looking up at the bartender, who ripped the menu out of his hands as if it was fUCKING BURNING upon hearing the order.

And so...and FUCKING SO, Hairy Penis's star struck bitch ass sat in the disgusting, half lit bar area of the small ass red lobster, picking at a clearly microwaved plate of nachos made with that shitty E-Z spray cheese and stale, generic brand tortilla chips for hALF A FUCKING HOUR WAITING FOR HERMIONE, who was fucking still out back, beating the shit out of that poor ass waitress being paid less than minimum wage.

And, finally, mother fucKING FINALLY, THE TITTY-SUCKIN TIME CAME...

Hairy had just dozed the fuck off in his shitty, graffiti covered bar stool, when at that moment, the big ass metal doors to the kitchen SLAMMED OPEN, causing one of the ambient paintings on the wall to fall from where it was hanging, leaving it to crash onto the floor loudly. Hell, the whole fucking re-entrance was so dramatic that god damn SMOKE WAS COMING OUT FROM THE KITCHEN SURROUNDING HERMIONE AS A CONVENIENTLY PARKED PICKUP TRUCK OUTSIDE BLARED A SONG WITH THE WORDS "HERE I AM!!! ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!!!" AT 350% VOLUME.

Hairy snapped awake upon hearing said doors dramatically crashing open to see our red headed, big titted, feminazi heroin standing in the spotlight (no, not the expression, a sumbitch was ACTUALLY SHINING A CRIMINALLY CHEAP BUT SURPRISINGLY BRIGHT WALMART-BRAND SPOTLIGHT IN HER FACE).

Not only did Hermione's bitch ass look like she'd been living off of raw fish and worms in Vietnam FOR THE LAST 8 MONTHS, but she also heavily trudged to Hairy's spot at the bar with what looked like a 2-fucking-foot long weave with actual fucking bugs running around in it-HELL, THERE'S PROBABLY EVEN A DEAD BIRD IN THERE BY NOW-that was clenched in one fist, and at LEAST 350$ with telltale bloodstains all over it clenched in the other.

Hairy stared at her, features still soft and dreary from sleep, with a mixture of awe, fear... and, what my good-for-nothing narrating ass might just describe as...

adoration...

queue Crazy in Love-50 Shades Of Gray remix playing dramatically in the background*

"Are you going to stop staring so we can blow this whorehouse or what?" Hermione barked out roughly, sounding like a fuckin' old MAN after her altercation. Hairy, who'd been lost in a daze at the sight of Hermione's rugged, battered appearance shook himself out of his daydream, face flushing as he realized he'd been staring for quite a fucking while.

Taking half a second to regain his bearings, Hairy wrenched a crumpled up 5 dollar bill out of the pocket of his sweats and tossed it to the nearby bartender, who gave his ass a look of pure fury. "Keep the change..." Hairy muttered, looking downward.

Hermione grabbed him by the forearm with a blood covered palm and dragged him out the door before the bartender could go on yet another drug induced rant.

—————————————

And there y'all have it god damn it! Chapter fucking 8 of my frigged up Harry Potter AU fic. Hopefully not too many brain cells were lost in the process of reading this shit.

FYI—this is a FanFiction adaptation of my shitty Wattpad fic, so all the chapters I've posted so far were prewritten (honestly, could you ever believe that a FanFiction writer, in THIS ECONOMY, to manage eight consecutive chapters in 4 measly days? If only). After chapter 13 or so, y'all are gonna be collateral to my writers block, a gohnerria infested beast fit to make George R.R. Martin's old ass look good.

Well...maybe it's not _THAT_ BAD, but you catch my drift...

Ah well, just enjoy the speedy updates while they last!!


	9. 9

Chapter Fucking Nine— Death, Taxes, President Trump, and Everything Else Inevitable

Just go ahead and read this piece of shit, I'm toO high on caffeine to bother with yet another marvelous introduction...

! WARNING SHAWTIES!

There's a long ass, plot filled chapter-or-two ahead, so grab your hot pink vibrators and your popcorn...

————————————————

And so, kiddies, 30 more minutes, a wipe down with some shitty Mcdonald's napkins, and a lice-ridden weave disposed of in the dumpster of some nameless strip club later, our not-so-dynamic duo found themselves in the disgusting, mildew ridden lobby of Ghetto Hogwarts Outskirts'️ sorry excuse for a town hall. And what are their intended accomplishments for dicking around in THAT raunchy whorehouse, you may ask? Well, that answer is simple;

JUNIOR YEAR'S CUMMING UP.

And aside from the bloodstained cash that Hermione's bitch ass wrestled from the old broad working in Red SlobOnMyKnobster, THEY HAD JACK SHIT TO USE TO PAY FOR IT.

Okay...where was we?

Hermione walked up to the friggen counter, with a worn out, half dead looking Hairy Penis not so far behind. Behind it sat a barely human-looking 550 lb (at LEAST) piercing ridden she-male with a full on lumberjack beard, buzz-cut and Mohawk, and a "DEATH TO ALL WHITE CISGENDERED SKINNY HUMAN BEINGS" XXXXXXXXL SIZED SHIRT AND ALL. A look of pure horror crossed Hairy Penis' face as he realized the 'mildew' smell mentioned earlier on in the introduction was actually coming from the gigantic land whale existing before him, which was sweating profusely as it typed furiously on a worn down keyboard, presumably arguing with some other fat bitch on Facebook.

After the initial shock at the sight of said ABOMINATION, the ever so brave Hermione GangBanger piped up.

"Um... excuse me sir—MISS..." the profuse furious typing continued on for another 5 seconds before Jabba abruptly stopped, grabbed a rag to wipe her face with, and then held up a strange black cylinder shaped object that looked strangely like a massive dildo up to her throat before croaking out the following.

" wHaT iN tHe CuMgArGlInG, nIpPlE tWiStInG, cLiT fLiCkInG fUcK dO yOu TwO qUeErS wAnT." In a rough, robotic voice which made it obvious that her bitch ass had lost her voice box to lung cancer.

Another moment of silent, terrified shock ensues.

This time, it was Hairy's bitch ass that spoke up.

"The two of us were supposed to have an appointment with our financial guidance counselors today. The names are-"

"HoLy MoThEr FuCk." Smoker Lady exclaimed as loudly as one could with a false, robotic voice. "YoU wErE tHaT mInX tHaT i SaW gEtTin' FuCkEd In ThE aSs bY sTeELa ThE oL' wEeD dEaLa' ThE oThEr NiGhT."

Hairy flinched, looking down at the disgusting looking carpet of the town hall as he realized what the bitch meant. God damn, did everyone in this fuckfest of a city just have to know about his unfortunate lifestyle?

"Just give us some room numbers and we'll be on our way, you shit smelling hunk of lard." Hermione retorted as she noticed Hairy's immediate withdrawal.

Smoker Lady stared at her with a look of absolute resentment. "G-122 fOr ThE tEeNaGe PrOsTiTuTe, AnD G-169 fOr YoU mAdAm PeNnYwIsE." Her robotic voice droned on. Upon hearing the numbers, Hairy practically sped walked to where his bitch ass needed to be, not even looking back, and leaving Hermione alone with the old broad.

After another tense moment though, she turned to walk to her own appointment, but not before taking one more jab at the behemoth behind the front desk.

"Thanks for the help, and I hope you're cameo on my 600-lb life goes well..." she said, giving a shit eating grin to the now grimacing Smoker Lady.

This day was going to be fucked :)

——————————————

Forget what I said in the beginning, gurls. This part of the story might turn into THREE long ass plot chapters...

A special thanks to my artificial intelligence generated slave, Siri, who read this whole chapter aloud when I was too lazy and half asleep to do so myself...


	10. TEEEEEEEN

Chapter 10– Just Look at the Bright Side, This is the Hood, are You Insane?!

This gonna be my first chapter of this fic (or any fic really) where I split the same scene of the story into two different P.O.V.'s with two different chapters.

In other words, bear with me kiddies, and never mind my amateurity, just read this piece of shit created by an over caffeinated high school student...

——————————

P.O.V.- Lettuce Start With Hermione Gangbanger

"Aight...So, Ms. Gangbanger...what makes yo bitch ass think you can pay for school this year..?" The tall black dude who looked suspiciously like Obie Trice said from behind his incredibly large burgundy desk, which our red headed hero is currently sitting in front of, looking uncharacteristically worried.

"Well, for starters, they bumped my monthly check up by 15 bucks...and also not to mention the inheritance I just picked up this morning. From my uncle, I mean."

"WELL. Either you uncle is really your aunt going through his time of the month, or the bloodstains on this cash have recently been acquired in cold ass blood..." NotObie eyed the red head quizzically.

"Frankly, sir, whatever substances that just-so-HAPPEN to be covering my money doesn't-, and SHOULDN'T matter...last time I checked, an amount like that should at LEAST cover my first semester when you combine it with my monthly checks and spare bank account..." Hermione retorted, resenting his accurate speculation. NotObie looked at her skeptically.

"And just how in the nipple licking FUCK are you going to cover hot-lunches? Text books? SATs? ACTs? Drivers Ed? CLASS DUES? NEXT SEMESTER FOR THAT MATTER? Ms. Gangbanger, you have your initial tuition costs down, but frankly—" NotObie was going on a rant about just how bad Hermione's bitch ass had it in this world, when he was quite rudely interrupted by a brick having been abruptly smashed through his office window, with a note smeared in shit having been tied to it via greasy, USED condom. Hermione jumped a fucking mile as soon as the glass had been impacted. NotObie, on the other hand, looked virtually unfazed.

"Hold that thought..." he said calmly, holding a straight face as he got up from the overstuffed leather chair he'd been sitting in, walking to the now destroyed window, peering out.

"GOD DAMN IT JEREMY, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK THAT YOUR BABY DADDY KICKED YOU OUT FOR HAVING A SERIOUS LOLICON ADDICTION! MARK MY WORDS, I WILL NEVER GET YOU YOUR COURT ORDER TO VOLUNTEER IN THE DAMN DAYCARE!!" He downright SCREAMED at the top of his lungs to a young, gross-looking neckbeard below, who was wearing a fedora, full tuxedo, and was carrying a body pillow of an 8-year-old anime girl. He started sobbing on the spot, falling to his knees. The intense volume NotObie's voice had suddenly taken on was a terrifying deviation from his leveled, professional tone that he'd kept throughout the duration of the meeting.

Whilst receiving a shocked, wide-eyed expression from Hermione, NotObie trudged back to his desk and leaned forward, taking his head in his hands, digging the heels of his palms into his dark, tired eyes.

"Look, woman. It's been a hell of a day, probably for both of us, so let's wrap this shit up..." he started, not bothering to look up. Hermione gripped the hem of her shirt, waiting to hear the verdict as to whether or not she would become a fucking NEET or not. Sure, she'd be fine with missing out on SENIOR year, by then she'd practically have had enough high school experience to get her bitch ass a decent job, a lasting job, and move her way up from there. But now, NOW, she's only a peasant sophomore, practically still a kid, who can't do shit but make bets with junkies in the street and bag groceries from time to time, a job that, for some reason, was in the HIGHEST of popularity in this shithole of a town. Actually, come to think of it...

She was a sophomore. In the past fucking tense.

Shit.

NotObie was looking her right in the eye at this point. Gangbanger prayed to whatever cruel deity that existed out there for his next statement to not send her into a downward spiral of dead end jobs and free, "legit" online classes...

"Welfare checks. Spare cash from GOD KNOWS WHERE. Seems pretty shady. But, I can't see how, with a bit more extra cash and some spare work hours, a dead relative here and there... Ms. Gangbanger, I'd say you're just about covered to return to Hogwarts for yet another year." Hermione looked at him dumbly, his words traveling through one ear and out the other.

"...what?" She asked, almost inaudibly, a tone that failed to show often.

"Your ass is covered, Gangbanger. Welcome to junior fucking year, just try not to get pregnant, god knows abortion laws have become more fragile than James Charles' Youtube career at this point." NotObie declared, as Hermione unclenches her hands, letting her shoulders relax, as shit was not quite prepared to hit the fan just yet. "Go home, celebrate with a drink or two, experiment with ANAL for all I care. Just don't kill any more of your damn brain cells just yet..." He finished, as Hermione started to tread towards the door. She had one foot outside of it when his voice caught her attention a final time.

"Gangbanger..." he called, as she turned slightly away from the cracked-open door. "You're a good kid. Life's just handed you a real clusterfuck of financial weakness and unfortunate circumstances. You'll land on your feet eventually..." he said honestly, meeting her unreadable gaze.

"Take it from me." NotObie finished, giving Hermione a small but genuine smile. She smiled back, and left the room to go find her companion.

As she made herself down the lengthy corridor of that wretched town hall, she made out Hairy's figure, with his back to her. She made her way to him, just dying to tell him the good news, an occurrence that was becoming more and more rare nowadays.

"Hairy!! I made it! I fucking MADE IT!! I'M SET FOR NEXT YEAR!! Holy SHIT. Holy fucking SHIT!! Man, this is the BEST DAY EVER! WE'RE HEADED TO THE BEST SCHOOL EVER!! THIS IS THE BEST TOWN HALL EVER!! YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND EVER!! God I can't wait till our first day!!" She all but shouted to him, about ready to take the estranged teenager in her arms and swing him around right then and there in that blasted government building. It wasn't until she'd gotten a damn good look at his face that she realized that something was off about him...

"Well. That's great Hermione. Really..." he said timidly, his face grave, becoming more contorted with internal pain by the second.

Gangbanger put two and two together, just about 20 seconds too late. Her face fell, and excitement was quickly replaced with pure disbelief, a tad bit of dread, and, just MAYBE, what one would call...

sadness...

"Hairy..." she stated softly, not quite sure what to say to the man. Not that she had much of a chance.

"This is it, Hermione. I'm fucked." Hairy said promptly, looking as if he were on the verge of crying, breaking something, or just plain wanting the floor to swallow him whole and eat him alive. "So fucked..."

Before Hermione's mind had even caught up with what he'd just said, he took off sprinting, out the double doors, and into the ghetto.


	11. ELEVEEEEEEEEEN

Chapter 11– In Which Hairy's Entire World Comes Crashing Down Around Him...

BITE THE PILLOW, I'M GOIN' IN DRY

P.O.V.- Hairy Penis and his slimy cornhole catastrophe

Hairy was seated in front of a large, oak wood desk, covered to the brim with trinkets and photographs surrounding a 2000s style computer, each of which did little to ease his anxiety.

"Well, well, well...Mr. Penis... what are we going to do with you this year...?" A rather terrifying middle-aged lady wearing a rusty cross necklace and grandma-style glasses not unlike his own asked rhetorically, whilst staring Hairy down, watching him pull on his pant pockets, clenching his jaw, anything to ease the crushing amount of dread that had settled itself into his very core.

"Well, you tell me, Mrs. Izuccadich. I've collected about 1,500$ from working at cvs this spring, welfare has been coming in steadily, and food stamps come in about once a week..." Yeah, if I'm incredibly fucking lucky. Like the government's actually provided THAT much help. Where are we, CANADA?!

"Riiight..." She retorted, clearly as convinced by the brief explanation as Hairy Penis himself. "Well then... seeing as Mr. and Mrs. Penis died in that terrible accident in which a drunk taxi driver killed 22 and crippled 5 just a measly 4 years ago... do you have any other reliable source of income other than government help and the occasional, rather ILLEGAL prostitution to deranged homeless men...?" Mrs. Izuccadich quizzed, leaving Hairy absolutely floored by her bluntness and extensive knowledge on how life has absolutely fucked him right, left, sideways, upside-down, and BACKWARDS. "I—...Mrs. Izuccadich, allow me to just explain—." He stammered, before she chimed in.

"Now, now. Let's also not forget the fact that you are suspended from any retail and/or recreational employment due to your recent addiction here to illegal hallucinogens. Hell, not only does it restrict you from some desperately needed work hours, Mr. Penis, but you are to be confined to academics only, assuming you make the cut this year. Not to mention no Drivers Ed until you are at least 120 days sober, and you will be excluded from each and every elective course in the academy of Hogwarts, assuming you even get in from the get-go because...well, frankly, Mr. Penis, fuck you." She ended, giving Hairy a narrow-eyed stare through her incredibly thick lenses. Our unfortunate, drug addicted hero could just tell that the old hag was getting off to ruining this man's career.

"Mrs. Izuccadich, I solely believe—." And that was QUITE ENOUGH.

"nO, MR. PENIS. I SOLELY BELIEVE THAT MORE THAN ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, YOU NEED TO PIECE YOUR PATHETIC LIFE BACK TOGETHER." She blurted out rather angrily, now standing up from the wicker chair she had been reclined in this whole time. "NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK!! DO YOU TAKE ME FOR AN ACTUAL FUCKING RETARD?" Hairy was just dying to shout right in the old bitch's face. Hell, this whole session was already blown for him, his common courtesy about to be flung RIGHT into the crapper, so what use was there to hold back these obscene comments anymore? None! There was no use! It didn't fucking matter! Not anymore, at least.

"Nothing fucking matters anymore," he thought to himself briefly. "...except for her."

No. Do not. Even. Go there. Not now.

And, of course, it was that one simple thought of her that took him off guard enough, and allowed Hairy to decide and take the onslaught of verbal assault right in the ass, not even saying anything drastic. He didn't even so much as roll his fucking eyes.

A pit sat heavily in his gut, as he trained his gaze at an ugly ass portrait of a small black haired, brown eyed child with an actual fucking unibrow and appeared to weigh at LEAST 400 pounds. He presumed her to be Mrs. Izuccadich's evil spawn. Not even 9 years old yet and she appeared to have a case of acne that Jesus himself couldn't fix.

"Damn, Smoker Lady and her would make a handsome couple..." he thought to himself. He looked back up at the old hag as her voice, now hoarse and ragged from yelling at him so God damn much, brought him back to the present.

The ugly, ugly, present.

"YOU CRETINOUS SCUM OF THE EARTH. YOU SIMPLETON. YOU ABSOLUTE BUFFOON. YOU BEGIN USING PCP IN MID-JULY EXPECTING IT TO NOT AFFECT YOUR ALREADY TURBULENT ACADEMIC CAREER AND EXPECT THAT EVERYTHING WILL JUST GO AWAY? WELL, LIFE DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, YOU SHIT-FOR-BRAINS. DIDN'T YOUR DEAD MOTHER TELL YOU THAT THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING, AND THAT IS COLLEGE? NO WONDER SHE WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO DIE ON YOU WHEN YOU WERE 12. 16 YEARS OLD AND YOU'VE ALREADY SUCKED OFF EVERY QUEER ASS HOBO IN TOWN."

"Mrs. Izuccadich, please—." BUT SHE AIN'T HAVIN' IT.

"PLEASE. PLEASE WHAT, MR. PENIS? PLEASE BRING MY PARENTS BACK FROM THE DEAD? PLEASE GET ME INTO A DETOX PROGRAM? PLEASE GET ME AN APARTMENT SO I CAN REFRAIN FROM SLEEPING IN THE COLD EVERY NIGHT? FORGET IT, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING FREELOADER. I'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE. WE'VE ALL HEARD IT BEFORE, EVERY COUNSELOR IN THIS DAMN BUILDING HAS HEARD IT BEFORE. YOU NEED MONEY, YOU NEED GUIDANCE, TELL IT TO SOMEONE WHO GIVES A SHIT. NEWS FLASH, PENIS, THIS IS THE MODERN WORLD, AND IN THE MODERN WORLD, IT'S ALL FOR SOME AND NONE FOR THE INTELLECTUALLY AND PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE. IT'S CALLED NATURAL SELECTION COUPLED WITH CAPITALISM, AND IT HAS FUNCTIONED FOR DECADES, CENTURIES, EVEN." By the end of her cruel, rather hypocritical attack, Mrs. Izuccadich's face was stark red, and she was HOWLING out her final lines with a passionate fury. She paused for a few moments at the end of her last line, taking in Hairy's bewildered, slightly angered, defeated stature with two unforgiving, pale eyes.

Following another tension filled, rather awkward moment, the hag finally sat her fat ass down, opening her desk drawer, pulling out a half empty bottle of scotch and a cocktail glass, filling it generously, while spilling a few drops on the hard wood desk.

"It's over, Penis." She said, after gulping down several units of the strong liquid, only to be replaced with more from the bottle seconds afterward. "Get out. You are very clearly not fit for junior year in Hogwarts quite yet. Not even the real world for that matter. You have some fixin' up to do, I tell ya'..." she finished exhaustedly, gesturing to the door with one hand. When Hairy remained glued to his current position, wide eyed and pale faced, she fired up again.

"...well, GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU FILTHY RODENT!!" She screamed, loud enough to send Hairy stumbling out of his chair, in the direction of the door. "AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT CRYING TO DAISY AT THE FRONT DESK. SCUM LIKE YOU DO NOT GET SECOND APPOINTMENTS, SECOND CHANCES, SECOND ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. TAKE YOUR FILTHY ASS BACK OUT TO THE STREET, YOU LAZY, GOOD FOR NOTHING TW—." Finally, it was Hairy's turn to cut someone off now, as he SLAMMED the door to Mrs. Izuccadich's office as hard as he could, hot tears stinging his eyes, as he trudged out towards the main entrance. He didn't give half a fuck if he was a grown teenage boy on the brink of tears, had a fading hickey on his neck, wearing thrift-store clothing, obviously walking out of his meeting completely humiliated, defeated, wrung out, and hung to dry.

He didn't care what he looked like, THE WORLD WAS FALLING AROUND HIM.

As he felt a bit of his composure return, he was back where the pair had started, and thankfully, Smoker Lady had her fat fucking head buried in her "work", as she typed away at her shitty government computer, probably still on Facebook. As he ventured closer to the double doors, a thought came to him—

Hermione.

Dear God, please let her have been better off.


	12. TWWWWEEEELLEVEEVDVDDNUJD

Chapter 12– Paul McCrane is Schmexy and No Juan Can Change My Mind...

to the tune of "Old Mcdonald"* I'm so stressed that sunlight hurts. I am God's mistake!

️WARNING️

EMOTIONAL, FLUFFY(if you can call that), LONG,LONG, (and I cannot stress this enough) LONG, PLOT-FILLED... downright IDIOTIC CHAPTER AHEAD. VIEWER DISCRETION IS NOT ADVISED, JUST STRONGLY RECOMMENDED.

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"Hairy!!!" Hermione shouted as she slammed out of the town hall doors, running back onto the street from which our dynamic duo had come from earlier that day, having every intention on catching Hairy.

"Hairy!!! You punk bitch, what the fuck happened in there?!?!" She shouted louder into the crowded ghetto.

No response.

"Ah come on! I'm not here to judge your personal shit Hairy, just come the fuck out, will ya'?!" Another notion that was met with no answer.

Hermione sighed quite loudly, as she trudged on down the street. She only made it about 5 yards before she turned her head to look down a dark, seemingly empty alleyway, full of nuttn' but garbage and used needles.

Upon doing a double take and observing the area a bit more closely though, her eyes managed to pick up the hunched over figure sitting on a wooden crate, his head hung low and one hand covering his face. His pathetic form was slightly illuminated by the motion-sense fluorescent light that lie a few feet above his head.

She froze in her tracks for a moment, still going over the last 2 friggen minutes in her head, as her eyes laid on Hairy for a bit longer. Never before had she seen a man look so small. God damn, he looked just like Logan Paul after his suicide forest incident.

Hairy still hadn't acknowledged her presence until she'd walked, slowly and tentatively down the alleyway, which, unlike 99% of this shithole in which our story takes place, was completely QUIET.

No howling junkies begging passers by for drug money and spare change.

No gangbangers shooting their rivals, blasting music out of their slums, hollering at each other over who's ass was to be capped that night.

Not even a street dog barking in the distance.

Just the low electric hum of the fluorescent bulb hanging above our belittled hero's head. And, occasionally, the clinking of beer bottles and cocktail glasses from the underground strip clip that both heroes were currently in between, along with an abandoned apartment building on the other side.

As Gangbanger had approached Hairy, who by now had been about 7 feet away, he looked up briefly, knowing damn well who she was before even doing so, then returning his face to his hand, trying to bite back his emotions and maintain indifference.

"...she didn't even give me a fucking chance," Hairy spoke softly, quickly, trying not to let his despair show too much in his voice, the only discretion he had left at this point. "...she just. Took one swift look at me and thought hoodrat. Good-for-nothing, drug addicted, financially burdening hoodrat. He shouldn't be allowed in school. No one like that belongs in our glorious education system..." he paused, taking his head out of his hand to look right into Hermione's empathetic, concerned gaze, piercing blue eyes boring right into her brown ones, holding an angry yet hopeless glimmer in his own.

"I don't get it, Hermione. My financial status is garbage, and that's all anybody in this world seems to see in me. It's like everything else is blocked out by the fact that I can't even afford 60 second ramen, or have a warm place to sleep every night..." he said, looking back down at the grimy pavement. "Sometimes I don't even feel human at all...it's like I'm just another freakishly huge rat, like the ones that scamper through these unkept streets constantly, inhabiting this world, feeding off scraps and sleeping in heaps of garbage until I grow old and die, cold and alone..." he said miserably, and it was at this moment that Hermione stepped closer to the man, kneeling down so that just a tilt of her chin would cause her gaze to meet his.

"Hairy...you know you're better than...well, than all of this," Hermione said to him, gesturing with her arm to the garbage filled alleyway. "I don't know what that damn counselor told you in there, but god damn it Hairy, if you were able to live through your addiction without going COMPLETELY down the drain, then you can definitely scrape together enough cash, enough financial aid, enough of ANYTHING to help carry you through this year..." she explained to him encouragingly, stepping up a bit from her current position so that she could lay a hand in his slumped shoulder. Hairy fixed his eyes on his hands, which were in his lap, and covered in small scrapes and cuts from his digging his fingernails in his skin.

"I know it's hard to believe right now, but you will get through this. And when you do, you'll be making sick, twisted jokes about 'back when you were poor and desperate for a place to sleep at night', and hell, you might just be making those kinds of jokes with me." She sighed, giving Hairy a sad but genuine smile. Hairy searched the redhead's eyes for its usual glint of sarcasm, humor, or just plain carelessness, but came to find that all of it had long been replaced with something that seemed close to a kind of...

understanding...

And then Hermione went and did something she just never did with any other human being since her parents disowned her and left her to the harshness of the ghettos, let alone a friend.

She grabbed his hand, helping up and off the splintered, old crate, took him in her arms and hugged him as tight as possible, burrowing her head into the crook of his neck. After a moment of almost pure shock, Hairy found himself hugging her back.

"We're gonna get through this thing together..." she said, right into his ear. "We can work past this, Hairy. You've just got to be patient."

"I don't know if I can..." Hairy said, hugging her tighter, afraid his emotions would break through. "You know the kind of shit I've been handed. Just last week, I was sleeping in that same fucking abandoned building right there. Me, and some drugged up old man with a missing testicle and 20$ alleyway abortionist boob job named Robert 'Repulsa'. My god, at this point, I can't even work for myself because of the suspension they've put me on for all that dope. Hermione, I swear, if my food stamps go down by 2 whole dollars just one more time this month, I'll be—"

"Damn it Hairy, don't you ever listen to a single word I tell you?!" Hermione said firmly, pulling back, but still holding Hairy at arms length tightly by his shoulders.

"I—I just..." He struggled to piece together his next excuse for remaining absolutely miserable, when he knew damn well that he shouldn't be. Miraculously, for the first time since his parents died—

Someone fucking cared.

So, for the love of fuck, why does he still feel like he's at on the brink of spontaneously combusting, tearing his eyes out of their sockets with his own bare hands, or possibly both simultaneously?

His fast-paced thoughts, filled with pure dread and confusion came to a dead stop when he looked into those expectant dark eyes, wanting nothing more than to hear him out, and to help him through this absolute fuckfest.

He swallowed hard, then decided to start again;

"The entirety of my life, ever since I turned 12..." Hermy's hands fell from his shoulders as he spoke. "All anyone's ever said is how good of a wizard I'll be after Hogwarts. And I've always believed them. Them, and the fact that I'm good at what I've been doing..." he paused, looking her right in the eye, thinking for a moment. "I've never been good at a lot of things. But wizardry...it's been the only consistent thing in my life for as long as I can remember. I've almost mastered it...but, if I can't pay that tuition..." looking away from her concerned gaze, he let his unsaid statement hang in the air, not willing to throw it out there, not yet. Not fucking yet.

They were both silent for a while.

A drunk homeless man shouted from afar; "JERRY YOU GET YOUR FAT FUCKIN' ASS BACK HERE, I AIN'T LEAVIN' YO TURF TILL I GET MAH MONEY!!!!"

"You don't have to be a wizard, Hairy," Hermione said softly, eyes full of hope. "You just gotta...hang in there, I guess. Just wait all of this bullshit out, and when it's over, just go from there. Become whatever, just as long as you're happy...life sucks, and then you die. Happiness is the only thing that differentiates anything from anything, so for the love of fuck, just don't define your life using the words of some asshole with a shitty psychology degree..."

"If you can't do it yourself..." she finished, finally seeming to have brought Hairy out of his desperation-filled haze. "Do it for me." She said, giving him yet another rare, yet genuine smile. He smiled back, his first big smile in a long damn time.

Then there's a change in his emotions.

His tired, yet encouraged expression was now replaced with one that almost seemed like...

love.

Gangbanger had just now realized their closeness, mainly due to the fact that Hairy was slowly but surely leaning closer to her. She knew she should have backed away in that moment... but the look in his eyes...

He looked at her as if she'd hung the stars in the sky, all by herself...and, for a second, Hairy could have sworn she shared the same, if not more passionate look in her own eyes...that look of adoration and care...

It passed like a fleeting shadow, leaving only panic and uncertainty in its place, a look that Hairy would never let himself forget, never let himself live down the fact that he put that look on her face. He stepped too far.

And boy did he pay.

"I—...I've got..."she stuttered, looking away, or rather, looking for an "out" before she let herself get carried away, delve too deep, and actually start caring for another damn human being.

"I have to go, Hairy...I-I'm real sorry, but Tatiana from down the street— we made a bet, I won, and...yeah..." she said, already backing away. Hairy's face fell, and all of that dread from a mere 10-or-so minutes earlier returned, settling in the depths of his stomach.

"I'll meet you back at my place..." she said, already speed walking out of the now darkened alleyway, as Hairy stared at her retreating form with regret.

Alone once again, Hairy sat back down heavily on the wooden crate, that was damn ready to give way it was so rotten.

He turned his head towards the pinks and oranges and reds and blues and purples and various other colors that had decided to show themselves along with the bright, setting sun, that was already halfway behind a sleazy hotel by now.

"What if I just stare into that stupid ball of fire until I go blind...?" He pondered. "Then I can start collecting disability checks too, move into a group home...and never have to worry about seeing her in all her beauty again..." he sighed, lowering his head a bit, fixing his eyes on a greasy, used condom that had been stuck onto the wall of the abandoned apartment building. "That, and I'll never have to worry about upsetting her like THAT again...then at least one of us can be happy..." he sighed, feeling numb. At this point, he'd lost the energy to cry. In fact, he felt like he'd been given the entire world, only to have it stolen from him in a single moment. He felt as bad as he did earlier, back in that wretched city hall...

And so our scene fades there, as bar fights and gangbangs begin to fill the ghetto back up with noise, eventually driving our Hairy Penis up and off his ass, ready to kill the feeling that he was falling into the pits of HELL, head first, with something, ANYTHING, god willing it be cheap.

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happy spooky month children :)

Why did I struggle writing a 5 page essay over the course of 3 days when I pumped out 1200 words of this shit in like 30 minutes?


	13. THIRREESNNNNDNDNDNFBFDUSIJSBHD

Chapter 13– I Want Dr. Phil to Slather Me in Vegetable Oil

Finals were coming up when I wrote this and I couldn't think of a witty introduction. Y'all should know the drill by now though; grab a drink (preferably an alcoholic Juan), microwave some popcorn or ramen or some shit like that, and have a gay ol' time...

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It was around 11 p.m. on that same, fateful night, when Hermione shoved her key card into the front door of her apartment building. It was the one thing she was dreading all evening and into the dark, hoodlum infested night;

Going home to be alone with her thoughts.

"How could I be so stupid?!" She mused as she walked slowly up those same 9 flights of stairs she had gotten used to by now. "Bugging out during that man's time of need. He must think I'm a total fucking maniac, a spaz, a panicky freak...like he's ever going to want to start anything with me now..."

She laughed to herself quietly as she rounded the corner, starting her third flight of stairs. "Bold of me to assume he'd ever want to start anything with me in the first place. He's probably after that Ginny Weasley bitch anyway..." She cringed even just thinking of the name. "Ugh...the way that skank looked at him last semester during the big quidditch game, she was practically undressing him with her eyes..." she sighed, hating herself for caring so fucking much about whoever even so much as looks at him in a way she doesn't like.

"She'll probably end up studying with him when this whole thing blows over and they'll end up as star crossed lovers, making out during the big school-wide feast, passing each other sappy little love notes in Professor Slughorn's sex ed class, hooking up in the janitor's closet...all while I remain sulking in the background, completely invisible, a bygone of his that he simply left behind, a device used solely during his time of need, only to be forgotten later on down the road..." . The red headed witch just became more and more miserable with every persistent musing, as she climbed higher up the grungy stairwell of the apartment complex. Spotting a particularly disgusting bag of trash on the side of the steps, a new thought surged to the front of her mind.

"Things aren't quite THAT glamorous for him yet...lord only knows where he could be sleeping tonight. In an alley way, full of rats and roaches scurrying around? An iHop restroom? With a hobo, unwillingly, in a dumpster behind the abortion clinic?" She thought dreadfully, wishing even more that she hadn't panicked so badly earlier on that evening. "Bloody hell, what if tonight's the night? I finally get the call from some rando-officer that my best friend has been stabbed to death by some heroin junkie with his thong in a bunch because this homeless minor refused to get on his knees and blow him for some quick cash? Hell, at that point, I could ask him to take me downtown, lock me up for good. In that case, I'm every bit as guilty for him being yet another casualty to the "good, gentle people of the ghetto" as those filthy hood rats..."

As she approached the top of the 8th flight of stairs, Hermione shoved her hand into the pocket of her black denim jacket, pulling out her keys to hold in one, and a 4-inch pocket blade to wield menacingly in the other. Seeing how the rest of her day went, she'd probably end up in the midst of a 20 minute pissing match between herself and Crack Lady before she could finally, mercifully whip off her bra and crash for the night.

Well, that's what she THOUGHT, AT LEAST, until she heard a familiar voice coming from the top of her final flight of steep, unkept stairs.

"GONE...it's all gone...5 whole years of my worthless life just crammed down the shitter, just like cum in a crack whore..." a deep, boyish voice slurred from above. Hermione quickened her pace upon the abrupt discovery, confirming her identification of the voice as she reached to the top of the steps. Her eyes immediately shot to where our disheveled Hairy Penis sat, slouched, a disgusting looking blanket slung around his shoulders as he clutched a rather large bottle wrapped in a big brown bag.

He looked worse than Lindsey Lohan caught in a rainstorm.

He looked Hermione right in the eyes, a far more numb, more careless look in them than earlier that night.

"They just think they can throw out the ONE DUDE IN THE WHOLE SCHOOL WITH AN ACTUAL DECENT PLAN TO TAKE DOWN HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED, JUST LIKE THAT, LIKE TRASH, WELL THOSE PRETENTIOUS CUNTS GOT ANOTHER THING COMIN' TO EM, I TELL YA WHAT!!" Hairy ranted furiously, barely even coherent with so much alcohol in his system. As Hermione's staring continued, he decided to pipe up again after a quick swig of whatever poison he'd picked tonight.

"You're probably wondering what I'm even still doing here right? Well, where was I gonna go, Detroit? And you know what, Hermie? After the last few days of my life, my dignity has been stripped SO FAR OFF OF ME—." He cut himself off, taking another swig of what "Hermie" has now concluded to be fucking JET FUEL (Hermie?! Since when has he ever had the nerve to call me fucking HERMIE?!) before going back on his tangent.

"I CAN'T EVEN CONSIDER MYSELF A FUCKING MAN ANYMORE." He blurted out, quite matter-of-factly. "FROM NOW ON, I am a woman." Hermione stared at him in a state of pure shock and horror as he proceeded to whip a stick of Jeffree Star️ lipstick out of absolutely NOWHERE, applying the whorish shade of dark pink to his lips with the grace of a one eyed prostitute. "FROM NOW ON, YOU MAY CALL ME...MRS. NESBITT." He said finally, as the lipshit he was applying had gone from being all over his mouth, now being slathered all over his fucking EYELIDS.

After what seemed like a fucking ETERNITY of Hair-um...MRS. NESBITT applying coat upon coat of lipstick where lipstick should never go, Hermie finally came to her senses.

"Hairy—HAIRY MY GOD HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING OUT HERE, DON'T YOU REMEMBER SEEING THE RAVING SWITCHBLADE-WIELDING BITCH THAT COMES THROUGH HERE?! MY GOD, YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN STABBED BEFORE I GOT BACK, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A KEY YET—"

"IT IS MRS. FUCKING NESBITT TO YOU, YA GOD DAMN TRANSPHOBE!!" Hairy BOOMED through the quiet hallway, jumping to his feet abruptly, sending his bottle flying against the wall across from him, driving Hermie's worries like a plane at the Pentagon in '01–through the fUCKING ROOF.

"BUT HAIRY I—" Hairy approached her suddenly, grabbed her arm and nudged her in the direction of the nearest window. She looked through the crusty, cracked up pane only to make out Crack Lady.

Well, whatever was LEFT OF CRACK LADY, which was now splattered in a disgusting mess of gushing blood and broken bones on the pavement several stories below.

"Holy SHIT." Hermie said dumbly, staring at the mess down below.

"Yeah, she was really annoying the hell out of me when I got back, so I was all like 'HEY, YOU SKELETOR LOOKIN-ASS BITCH!! IF ALL YOU'RE GONNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE IS SMOKE CRACK, FUCK MEN WHO ARE TWICE YOUR AGE AND HALF YOUR IQ FOR MONEY, AND YAP AT UNDERPRIVILEGED TEENAGERS IN YOUR SPARE TIME, THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST TOSS YOURSELF OUT THAT THERE WINDOW!!' Best believe, she actually did it. Thankfully, the authorities weren't around when that shit happened, BUT THEN AGAIN, when are they ever around?" Hairy explained, his drunkenness apparently making him talk like a 13 year old FORTNITE GAMER. This did NOTHING to alleviate Hermie's state of shock.

"Jesus H Christ...I know she hasn't been in any recent chapters, but GOD, did she really deserve such a cruel sendoff?" She said, puzzled. Hairy merely waved off her death, bending down to grab his now empty liquor bottle, falling over in his debilitation. Hermione decided this would be a good time to unlock her door and get him the FUCK out of where seedy, teenage loving freaks could still be lurking at this hour.

"Oh...OH I'M A SHAM!!!" Hairy started to fall apart again, as Hermie worked on getting the right key. "JUST LOOK AT ME, I CAN'T EVEN PICK UP A DAMN BOTTLE!!!"

"The name...TELL ME MRS. NESBITT SOUNDED GOOD?!" Hairy wailed as Hermione began literally DRAGGING him into the apartment as he weighed himself down, absolutely HYSTERICAL by now. "THE LIPSTICK WAS A BIT MUCH BUT JUST TELL ME THE NAME WAS GOOD!!"

"God fucking damn it—HAIRY WILL YOU GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF?! AND USE YOUR LEGS FOR GOD SAKES, THIS IS AN APARTMENT BUILDING NOT MOUNT-GODDAMN-EVEREST!!" Hermie scolded, just starting to drag Hairy past the fucking doorframe like a lame sack of potatoes.

"YEARS OF ACADEMY TRAINING WASTED!!" Juan final tug on her shoulder landed Mrs. Nesbitt on her ass, as she lay pathetically in Hermione's apartment.


	14. FOURTENENDIDJDDSHUSHEBS

Chapter 14– I Just Wanna Bury My Face Between Paul McCrane's Thighs, Okay?

Part Numero Dos of the Previous Chapter; I'll shut up now so y'all can read it. Or just laugh at me for making crack start OUT as crack and then having it turn into an angst filled Rom-Com...

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"TONIGHT, ON UNSOLVED MYSTERIES, FIND OUT WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT BIGFOOT. UPDATE: APPARENTLY NO ONE GIVES A SINGLE SHIT ABOUT BIGFOOT, SO, FUCK HIM!!"

"God fucking damn it Hairy, YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP THE NEIGHBORS!!"

Hairy now stood in the doorway of Hermione's bathroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe, a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth as he went on yet another drunken tangent, spitting toothpaste all fucking over the floor of the poor witch's apartment with every word.

"UPDATE: LAST WEEK, SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY OLD DORM AND STOLE 600$ WORTH OF MY SHIT!! THAT'S RIGHT, LADIES!! 600$ WORTH OF BUUUULL SHIT!" On the last sentence, the fucking toothbrush just fell out of his mouth and onto the floor. About 10 seconds later, HE WAS ON THE FLOOR. Hermie had to admit, she's seen him come close to overdosing on PCP numerous times, but tonight he was a REAL FUCKING MESS.

"Oh mother fuck—HAIRY GET YOUR KRUNK ASS OFF THE FLOOR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU HANDLE YOUR LIQUOR LIKE AN ABSOLUTE PUSSY!!" Hermione whined at him, trying yet again to scrape him off the ground like a pimp and his prized meth whore.

"LEAVE ME, DARLING. THIS IS WHERE I BELONG." Hairy wailed, practically dry humping the fucking floor in an attempt to weigh himself down as Hermione yanked on his legs.

"Well FINE. LAY THERE LIKE A CUM DRENCHED WHORE FOR ALL I CARE. Just don't puke or anything you GOD DAMN SON OF A PANSY!!" Hermione yelled after some more fruitless struggling, abruptly dropping Hairy's legs, leaving them to hit the floor with a thud, earning an "OW, FUCK, GOD DAMN IT WOMAN!!" from the intoxicated wizard below.

Our red headed hero trudged back out to the living room, sitting down heavily on the black leather couch that took up half of it. She put her head in her hands, "Well, at least he's not in tears about this whole day..." she thought to herself, digging the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying to rub the exhaustion out of them when she heard a noise from the Cheap Foldout️ across from her. Looking up, she saw Hairy. Although she had eventually convinced him to borrow one of her makeup wipes and get rid of the cheap lipstick that he'd smeared fucking EVERYWHERE, he still had toothpaste running down his mouth. His glasses were crooked to shit, and his jEANS WERE ON BACKWARDS FOR CHRIST SAKE. He looked like a rabid coyote with Down's syndrome.

He looked back at her, a grumpy, droopy-eyed expression on his face. For a second there, Hermione had to bite back a smile.

"I'm sorry, mom..." Hairy said in mock defeat, wiping a trail of white foam from the corner of his mouth. This earned a laugh from the red headed witch as she shook her head.

"Shit. You've really done it this time, Penis..." She stated, her shoulders shaking slightly from her laughter.

"Blame the strange Mexican guy working in Longbottom's Liquor Store. Josè gave me that WHOLE BOTTLE 'A GIN FOR 3 BUCKS AND A WALGREENS CLUB CARD!" Hairy yowled quite proudly, as Hermione glared at him with slight disapproval.

"You're an idiot, Penis. You've been walking the streets drunk for hours, for the love of God, you could've tripped over a curb and split your head open!" He waved her off as she started on another one of her damn lectures. "I'm serious, Hairy! What would've happened if some schmuck had taken advantage of your public drunkenness and stolen your wallet, or better yet, BENT YOU OVER IN AN ALLEYWAY AND RAPED YOU, JESUS CHRIST, ISN'T FIVE TIMES ENOUGH FOR YOU?! ONE OF THESE DAYS A JOHN MIGHT JUST END UP SLAUGHTERING YOU WITH HIS BARE HANDS AND RAPING YOUR ROTTING CORPSE FOR WEEKS, ALL BECAUSE OF THIS-THIS HABIT OF YOURS!" Hairy merely stared up at her with darkened eyes. "I MEAN MY GOD, YOU'VE SPENT ENOUGH TIME ON THE STREETS TO KNOW HOW DANGEROUS GETTING BLACKOUT DRUNK BY YOURSELF CAN BE, OR DO YOU JUST NOT CARE?!" By now Hermione had stood up from where she'd sat on the couch, coming a few steps closer to the wizard, towering over him from behind the coffee table, looking him straight in the eye.

"Maybe I just don't care so much anymore." He said simply, his lighthearted drunken mood died like a teen in an American high school, leaving a grim look on his face and a bitter, yet leveled tone in his voice. Hermione faltered, surprised at the quietness of his answer, as if she'd not just been shouting at him about his poor life choices.

"Well...god damn it Hairy, you haven't been off the wagon that long, and who knows, maybe after a week or so you can make an appeal to Dildodore, earn yourself another chance at a tuition, keep yourself away from the PCP and the alcoho—"

"DON'T YOU GET IT WOMAN?! I'M A LOST CAUSE!!" Hairy yelled, darkness filling his eyes. "AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I HAVEN'T JUST BEEN USING SINCE MID JULY, I'VE BEEN ON A DOWNWARD SPIRAL SINCE I WAS BARELY EVEN WITHIN THE AGE BRACKET TO WIPE MY OWN ASS, YOU JUST WEREN'T AROUND THAT EARLY ON TO SEE IT!!!"

Silence filled the dark apartment as Hairy looked at the floor, his emotions threatening to break through for the umpteenth time that day. Hermione returned to her spot on the couch across from him, looking at the broken wizard in front of her, completely lost as to what she should say next, worried that whatever she came up with would make him feel worse.

She shifted her gaze to the skylight above them, looking to the plentiful amount of stars, the pale, full moon, God, Voldemort...ANYTHING that would give her an answer.

Instead, she made the startling discovery of a hobo who'd somehow found himself on the roof of the famed apartment complex, who was now pressing his hairy, greasy nuts against the window pane, giving her a toothless grin. As you can imagine she looked back down with the speed of a Kenyan on coke, deciding on giving a thousand-yard stare to the novel on her coffee table "Dick Me Down and Call Me Betty: What to Do When Life Crams Lemons Up Your Dry Asshole" and hope for the best.

Thankfully she didn't have to wait for that "sign from a higher power" bullshit, because Hairy decided to re-approach the subject of his sudden explosion, a quieter, calmer sound to his voice.

"I guess you could say it all began when that noseless old gremlin killed my parents." His eyes were fixed to the floorboards, his hands folded in his lap, as he sat straight, despite his drunkenness."The rest of my family hadn't been so crazy about my coming to live with them...so, naturally, they treated me like a garbage can with legs."

He looked back up at Hermione, a curious, yet cautious look in her eyes that willed him to keep venting about his under appreciated mommy and daddy issues.

"Every attempt to fit in with the rest of the family was pissed on like a dumpster fire. The family portrait I drew with crayons as a hapless four-year-old? Shoved in my uncle's paper shredder. Made my auntie a Mother's Day breakfast? She tossed it in the shitter and told me that if I ever 'woke her up for some shit on a shingle at this ungodly hour, again, for as long as either of us lived, she would sneak up from behind and shove me off the roof the next time my uncle made me clean the gutters'. Tried to hop in the actual family portrait being taken by a professional photographer? My uncle literally threw me out of the shot and told me to wait in the fucking car...all of my life, I just sat around and took it, took it all right up the big chocolate highway, and watched as my childhood shriveled up and died before my eyes..." Hairy's fists clenched as he kept going, gaze trained out the large window they'd been looking out that very morning, after the Strip Club Cornhole-Catastrophe.

"You know how this shit works. My cousin was treated like a saint, and I—I—" he paused, trying to find the right words. "I just—hung around and hung around— even when I finally reached the age in which fed up, moody ass kids grab their DS's and their favorite MCR hoodies and run away, I still just...hung around. Didn't look for any other family, didn't even stay with the neighbors and con meals out of them." Hairy moved from his position on the fold out, lying on his back amidst several soft Walmart throw blankets, continuing to monologue his sorrows into the night.

"Eventually, after I-...you know, started at Hogwarts, kept at my studies, and EVENTUALLY got cut off financially by those slimy cocksuckers back home, I realized something..." Another pause. In the distance, a lonely mistress calls out for her lover.

"GOD DAMN IT DARIUS WHERE ARE YOU?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIMME MAH 500 BUCKS FOR THAT STEAMBOAT-WILLIE!!!"

Unfazed, our favorite wizard continued.

"The financial cut-off. The fact that they don't even call on birthdays and holidays...they raised me from when I was less than a year old. And they never told me outright, I just assumed...but that shit they pulled proved that they didn't..." Hairy turned his head to look at GangBanger, who was still looking intently at him, listening to his every word.

"Those leeches never loved me. They just saw me as a liability. A pet they were forced to take care of after my parents met Jesus personally. But I loved them...I never really understood it before, but during my first months in the dorms—I realized I missed them." He stared at her with a darkness in his eyes that made her heart drop. "Me. I missed them. Those sons of whores who tended to me until they could just forget about me while I'm living in this bloody HELLHOLE without CPS getting on their asses..."

"Hell, I still miss them...they raised me, God damn it...I love them..."

And, without warning, all of Hairy Penis' ugly, pent emotions from the day came forth like special K from an overfilled needle.

"I FUCKING LOVED THEM!!!" He sobbed, screaming so hard he lifted his whole upper body off of the foldout a whole 2 or 3 inches. "I LOVED THEM!!! I LOVE THEM!!! I—...I—..." he paused, as tears streamed freely down his cheeks. "HERMIONE I FUCKING HATE THEM!!! I HATE 'EM, I HATE 'EM, IHATEEMIHATEEMIHATEEM I—"

Hairy's aggressive fit of screamcrying was muffled by GangBanger's shoulder as she pulled him up and held him to her tightly, her heart breaking at the sound of his choked sobs as she tried to calm him down.

"I FUCKING HATE 'EM I HOPE THEY DIE IN A FUCKING GAS CHAMBER AND GO UP IN FLAMES AND TURN INTO ASH AND I CAN PISS ON THEIR GRAVES—" she held him tighter as his tirade intensified, rubbing circles in between his shoulder blades, whispering what she hoped to be comforting words in his ear. He was as tense as a first-time bottom in a YAOI manga written by a horny, yet sexually frustrated 17-year-old emo boy there in her arms, hell, Hermione was scared that if she moved one wrong way his rigid body would snap clean in half.

"You know, the Christian charity workers at the homeless shelter I work at get quite a fucking sick kick out of handing me and those other emancipated minors pocket bibles instead of food or money of any other kind of SUSTENANCE..." Hairy deplored, voice muffled by GangBanger's thrift store jacket, still shaking and miserable, his throat aching with tears. "And every time they're there, mocking us with their formal church clothes and their useless vouchers, they say that same old line; 'Don't worry, it'll all get better soon! This trying time in your life is just part of God's PLAN.' WELL I FOR ONE WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHAT THAT PLAN IS INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT FOR MYSELF!!!"

"Believe me, Penis. You're not the only one getting frustrated pondering God's disaster of a grand plan—if he even fucking exists..." Hermione said quietly, deciding to quit rubbing the wizard's back and just hold him as he finally relaxed in her arms.

And they sat there. For a long ass time, too, they just sat on that shitty Couch Foldout️, listening to the sounds of the busy street through the thin walls of Hermione's slum; the shoddy, rough-sounding engines of used cars passing by, the sound of wasted drifters begging for drug money, becoming aggressive and stabbing the shit out of those passing by after coming up empty, the horrible moans and yowls of "passion" coming from prostitutes making a quick buck on some lonely old neckbeards and single fathers looking for cheap thrills; and my God, did they sound awful. Like elderly cats having been caught in a wood chipper, giving the most ear-raping strains to all of those within a 2 mile radius before their ugly demise.

Oh, well, I digress. I am just the narrator of this middle-American (supposed to be set in the butt-fuck middle of ENGLAND) sob story.

A strip club shooting followed by NACHOS from Red Lobster. Finding out that he CANNOT return to school this year and is doomed to a life of prostitution and homelessness. Making a total FOOL OF HIMSELF RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS BEST FRIEND, WHO HE WAS IN LOVE WITH. Mindlessly wandering the streets like a pot head AFTER said embarrassment. And after one big ass bottle of gin, and the venting of his rather turbulent childhood, our dear Hairy J. Penis had cried himself to sleep in the arms of that SAME best friend.

My GOD, what has this silly little crack fic come to?!

And so we're left alone with this final scene~

Sensing a change in Hairy's small, belittled form, Hermione picked up on the fact that he'd most likely passed out, drunk and dead tired from the total FUCKFEST that had been just another hot summer day in their lives.

Knowing the wizard would be blissfully unaware of her hesitation to move away from him just yet, Hermione kept holding him. Running her hand through his hair, straightening out his rumpled shirt from time to time. Well, because, YOU KNOW. It was a long day for both of them, and she just wanted to be ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, COMPLETELY, UTTERLY, ENTIRELY, AND THOROUGHLY CERTAIN THE EXHAUSTED YOUNG MAN IN HER ARMS WAS ASLEEP.

And that was that.

Nothing else. No other deeper, more profound reason behind it.

After another good 2,3, maybe 5...okay, maybe 20 minutes of this strictly pro cautionary action, Hermione eased Hairy off and away from her shoulder, lying him down carefully on tHe FoLdOuT️, covering him up with the Walmart brand blankets. She even took the liberty of gently pulling off his big, dorky glasses too, setting them down on the coffee table to find when he waked up in the morning.

And, OKAY. Maybe she did look at him for longer than necessary, as the street lamp cast a warm, orange tinted ray over his sleeping face, admiring how calm and vulnerable and unafraid he looked when he was out cold. But that, my dear reader, means absolutely NOTHING. Nada. Nichts. Niente. There, you've got it in four languages now, so you have to believe it.

And, maybe, just before she padded off to the over stuffed leather couch on the other side of the coffee table, maybe, just maybe...

Our dear Hermione GangBanger leaned down over Hairy's forehead, brushing the hair away from his face. And, just maybe, she planted a brief kiss on his head.

Right over the little lightening bolt shaped scar at the start of his hairline.

But, then again, he was passed out drunk, and it was pretty late.

Yeah. It was probably nothing.


End file.
